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| Sadly, No!
Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?
First, a fun fact: did you know that the "Shorter" routine has become so popular that even wingnuts are "shortering" their own posts? It's true:
“Shorter Jeff Goldstein: ‘I eat paste and the A-rabs, they make me a-scared!’”
Anyway, down to business:
Shorter David Frum:
If only the Mexicans would embrace voodoo economics, and sell some of their national resources to our oil companies, so many of them wouldn't be forced to emigrate.
Shorter Mark R. Levin:
Dear Leader, Your Worshipfulness, I know you are a great judge of character, but please pay no attention to Vicente Fox's promises.
Shorter Jay Nordlinger:
The Chinese, so inscrutable! Killing people in order to harvest their organs? Why can't they just kill people for revenge or ideology or to steal their national resources? You know, like normal people do.
Thank God John Hinckley didn't derail the Reagan Revolution's momentum: now when the President recovers, we can get on with selling off national parks, supporting South African apartheid, and obstructing "crazy requirements" for cripples.
Shorter Mark Krikorian
Like Europe and Israel, we too have a problem with an "enemy within" -- except our internal menace is of a Christian, Western background, so that makes our straits less dire right there.
Shorter Byron York:
Some Republicans are dangerously close to selling out their Money = Speech principles because they got hammered by George Soros's wallet.
Shorter Deroy Murdock:
Ah, shit, I've gotta write another column.. uhhhhh, here's Rudy Giuliani's recollection of the Reagan shooting.
Shorter Heriot & Schwarzschild:
In writing a long encomium to a recently deceased crackpot legal theorist, we can pretend that the Founders were Propertarians.
Shorter Myrna Blyth:
"Life coaching" is just another silly fad for self-centered creeps the New York Times of course admires. Also, something about metrosexuals and Star Trek.
Shorter Peter Schweizer:
My hagiography of Caspar Weinberger cheerfully omits any mention of felony indictments or Iran-Contra. But I will share an anecdote about how Cap was a budget-cutting machine when in the Department of Health, Education & Welfare, but a total spendthrift when in charge of the Department of Defense. Priorities, ya know.
Giving credit where it's due: "Shorter" concept invented by D^2 and later perfected by B^3.
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